I have discovered life is one big game that challenges most decisions that are placed forward to us

Recently, that game has been pretty darn tough

With what I have had to face this past year, I decided life can be fairly cruel
But, in all honesty, blame can be placed on me for allowing things to escalate to undesirable levels

Unfortunately, it probably looks like I tend to run away
On the contrary.
Some will know I am a stickler for trying to make things work.

However, this gives room for trying too long, and not knowing when to quit.
These life lessons are fast becoming apparent to me, hence my departure from Texas being brought forward.

I wouldn’t say I won this round though, more like I discovered a ‘game’ going nowhere fast.
It is a relief to know I’m not the only one that hides true feelings and emotions with jokes and deliberate ignorance. Not a good thing though.

I know I can’t be a drifter all my life, and so far that’s exactly what I have managed to do.
Reality is a dirty word sometimes. Been there, done that, and learnt some mammoth errors in my way of dealing with things; and spotted my weakness of not knowing when a time to get out presents itself.now I know, take it while I can

Things can’t always be rosy. Folks cant always be shiny happy people, and though I try to be just that, I can’t either.

The last 12 months, I didn’t allow myself room to be upset about much. I waived it away as vulnerability. A trait I didn’t think I could afford to have.
I was so wrong.

Without letting people see this, they expect you to be the strong one, the one fixer of all problems and woe’s, the brave and the daringall that I had tried to be.
In reality, I was being eaten up inside.

It took several years to admit things that were going very badly to my family. And only very recently, that I was one of the many millions of girls that fall prey to extremely bad eating habits. It’s still a bit of a battle now, but I’m no longer starving myself (or the complete opposite), and I’m learning to be happy with what I was born withthough, I still see room for some improvement.

That’s what exercise and sensible eating is for, right?

The stability I will gain while I am in Vancouver should hopefully help with setting past subconscious bad attributes right.

One thing we all know we should do, and usually don’t, is take a step back and look at what kind of life we have created for ourselves. Assess all the good and bad from an outsiders perspective. And if that fails, talk to others. Never expect answers, just their honest opinion.

But never rely on their answers. Decisions are yours to make, and make alone, and accept the consequenses.

Life is what you make it, and I’m intent on making mine worth living a life time in

My little sister in New Zealand called me at 2am this morning. We had the best talk. It seemed like about 6 hours, but in actual fact it was only 2.

It was a good time to let loose everything that as going on in my head. I held no prisoners, I let is all out. Every last detail of what has recently been going on.

Now, my sister is wise beyond her years. She has seen some things none of us will ever see, and done things we wouldn’t even dream of. Tough times are something she is accustomed to, and she got through. Brave, strong, assertive, and open. And I’m glad she is my sister.

By the way, her name is Marianna )

She came up with some interesting analogies (from a recent course she is taking) on life, and how we deal with life.

The best one was Beach Balls.

Imagine yourself in a body of water (be it the beach, or a pool) with a beach ball. You proceed to push it under the water, forcing it down. What happens when you let go?

Correct! That darn beach ball comes barrelling back up to the surface and explodes out of the water saying ‘I’m here! surprise!!’

This is how we cope with stress.

Problems arise; we push them under the surface, and battle on.

My sister’s example was like this..

Firstly I want to tell you about Auckland traffic. Basically, if you can drive in the congested 20km/h hell that is peak hour, you can drive practically anywhere in the world. Turn signals are an option. If you create nice safe following distances, someone views that as room for them to steal (accident city). People follow too close, and figure the other lanes as faster movers (Murphy’s law). Well, I guess it doesn’t sound any different to other cities in the world; you just have to experience it for yourself.

Back to my sister..

“I’m getting sick and tired of peak hour traffic. I was getting madder and madder at people causing near accidents, forcing their way into gaps, trying to own the road and get home 20 seconds sooner than they would if they just went with the flow. Those beach balls were getting pushed further and further down.
I arrived home, my husband asked how my day was, and I muttered that ‘it was ok’.
A little bit of time passed and he asked again.
I exploded..’Why isn’t the washing put away? why are there dishes in the sink?’
Hello! There’s the beach balls, forcing themselves out to create havoc”

So, even though the washing and the dishes really weren’t an issue, or a problem, dealing with the traffic and the inconsiderate drivers gave her leverage to flip out at her family. No excuse, but it happens.

I have noticed, I got a whole lot of beach balls down there, and I am lacking an outlet. I just know they are going to rear their ugly head soon. I pity the poor person that gets the backlash.

There are a few issues I want to bring up with certain people, but I want to get everything I want to say clear in my head first. Stick to the issues, and not stray from what is important. Otherwise, I know I will find that I have missed certain things I wanted to say, and those beach balls are going to show themselves again, with more force than the first time

Well, in all honesty, those pesky beach balls have popped up once. But it wasn’t in a fierce way. It was kind of odd. They were melancholy beach balls. And, I strayed off the track. They’ll be back, I just know they will, but I’m prepared this time. I hope.

It was a great phone conversation. Very humorous at times. I pity the poor neighbours, I was laughing so hard.

Which brings me to my niece, Madison Jade.

The fondest memory I have of her is when she’d see my car (or one’s very similar). She’d point, and grin, and say “Lazka!!” She knew he (my Husky, and my baby) was normally in my car with me, and always expected him to be there. Sadly, no more. But it was so cute to see her say that.

She is only 3, and from what I hear, excelling above kids her age.

My sister collected her paintings and books from day care, and was surprised to learn her daughter had been learning languages there. One was Spanish.

She turned to Maddy and asked if she could speak Spanish. Maddy replied with “Si Senior”

Marianna was floored. She had never uttered a word of Spanish at home, and my sister was none the wiser that she was even learning other languages. Not bad for a 3 year old huh?! She is even learning computers too. My how things change.

To change the subject, and to close this session of rambling..

My latest favourite song is.. MatchBox20 If You’re Gone

All I can say, and without sounding like I am talking from my own soap-box.. Unbeknown (is that a word?) to some people, they don’t realize what they have, until they lose it. And some people lose more than they realize

You win some, you lose some. I lost.

I decided it might be a good idea to add a ‘thoughts’ page to my journal. Let you know what is really going on in this head of mine.

It’ll be kind of a venting place, an emotional outlet (which I figured I need), and more of an insight for you guys as to what makes me tick

So, considering the fact that I have been away from what I know for 2 months now, and the fact that I either refuse to recall thoughts and feeling that aren’t mentioned in my journal up until now, this is how it is at this very point and time

January 18th, 2001
7:04am.. can’t sleep

Here goes

There comes a time in your life when you realise it’s time to move on.

Apart from leaving home to study Architectural Draughting (which fell in a great heap after half a year) I have only been at that point a few times in my life.

Leaving boyfriends (or girlfriends) is inevitable when you are young. But leaving my business, my family and friends, and my animals, whom I love dearly and miss terribly, is another kettle of fish altogether. And my home country…….boy, that was a huge step

One small step for Kirstine, one giant leap for Kirstine’s sanity and a curiosity of things far off and unknown

It took me several months to actually get the guts to even decide to embark on this world tour. Longer than most know. And I am glad I actually did it, even though I am only two months into the great adventure, and still very apprehensive about things ahead, and things already passed.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I love Texas, and the people here, I think it’s time to move on again. Before I let things get a chance to go stale.

Whether it be a week, or a few, I have yet to decide. But I know it won’t be till February 25th as planned. I don’t want to ruin a good thing. So I think I should go before I get the chance to do so, given my track record.

I have had a chance to do a lot of growing, and have got an even bigger sense of tolerance than I ever imagined I had.

I’m kicking myself now that I didn’t get out more and see Texas. Live and learn I say.

There is still a possibility that I may come back. But I say that is ever so slight

I have a wee battle going on, a Big Audio Dynamite song humming away in my head…

Darling you got to let me know, should I stay, or should I go?.

Jimmy Durante even. For those that don’t know him, it goes a little like this..(most would know the song from ‘My Step-Mother was an alien’ a worrisome movie, I admit)..

First I had a feeling that I wanted to go, then I had a feeling that I wanted to stay, start to go, change my mind, start to go again, then I change my mind again….

Ok, so it probably isn’t correct, word for word, but you get the gist of what I am going through. I just need to make my mind up, and stick to it!!

I know this is a reason why sleep has been near on impossible lately. The dilemma of what to do.

But it is my decision to make, and make it I shall

Perhaps I’ll toss a coin?..nah, that’s a tad too flippant, even for me.

One thing I have discovered, in my self-analysing time alone, is I can be an angry individual. But it’s all self-anger, with no direction, apart from at myself (I said that already). This seems odd to me.

Another noticeable change is emotions; I suppose anger fits in that category. I had learnt to deal with stuff alone (my family can vouch or me there, even though they didn’t like it). This is fast reversing. I can get a wee bit teary eyed at things I know are silly and unimportant. Other things I know I have a right to be sad about.

Well, ok, I get sad. But it’s still to, and with myself. I wouldn’t say it falls on deaf ears, because I don’t let ears hear me. Lets say it’s the private person in me.

I have also learned that I can’t open up like I used to. Once upon a time, I was an open book, but now I cover it with jokes and silliness. Even when I am actually telling people problems and hurdles I might be facing at the time. I’m a bit nonchalant about it all, and make things out to be miniscule..and again, joke about them.

Actually, if someone knew me well enough, they’d notice. But those kinds of people aren’t around me right now.

I do have Tigger to talk to, but he just looks at me funny, and is kind of mute. I guess the lack of any internal organs; bar a bit of stuffing is a good reason why.

And, I now know some of these feelings are being brought on by current surroundings, people included. If I can’t change certain situations here, without seeming like I am running away, leaving is the best remedy for them.

Don’t get me wrong, Dave has been great. But I have kept these inner most thoughts, hurts, tears etc away from his eyes. Plus, with the fact that he is on vacation at present, after an extremely long year with DotComGuy Inc, dealing with an emotional female is probably the last thing he needs. I don’t want to be the one to bring him down.

And all things considered, it will be hard to leave Dave too. He has been there for me on the rare occasion I let him see I was..well..messed up with things. And he has taken extremely good care of me, better than I could ever have expected (maybe because my judgement on how people should treat others has been clouded up until now). Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel towards him.

But I do have to add; I want to damage his computer.

I can’t figure why the words ‘I’m going slightly mad’ keep popping up in my thoughts (I’m almost positive that’s from a song I knew years back)…. I’ve since been told, it is actually a song, by non other than the famous Queen (R.I.P. Freddy). and thanks to my good friend Mark (Astragali) in England, for clearing that up for me )

Perhaps we are all mad to varying degrees, and some just hide it better.
Or perhaps they show just enough to make them interesting.
Maybe I should try that?

Battle on, chin up, be brave, and smile. )