iKirst

It’s amazing the change in myself that I noticed as I was importing my old site into this one. The way I worded things, the way I handled situations, and the way I generally coped with life in general has gone full circle and beyond.

4 years ago (y2k), when my site was first born under the identity Woody, I was 26. I felt like I was the most mature person in the world. I know I wasn’t, but that was the front I put on for everyone else. The cyber space for Woody saw me travel across to America, Canada, and briefly into England and Singapore. I wrote to try and show emotion and create humour. But I don’t think I ever encaptured how I really felt. Though, In saying that, I always held back a little. I always tried to protect the identies of those that caused emotions and feelings to rise within me.

In 2001, Woody evolved into iKirst. It took me a long time to come up with a domain name that I was happy with, one that suited the cause. One that I was comfortable with. Woody is still very much who I am and was, but Woody has grown too. My site went into dormancy, and my domain name went on hold for a good year and a half. My life at the time had no room for the cyber side of my personatlity.
My energies went into a life elsewhere that I thought was right for me.

In May 2003, iKirst began a new journey. Not a journey where another self imposed uproot was needed, but an inner journey. A journey that needed exploring and understanding… going back a bit though..

In January last year, I spent the majority of my time being there when needed for that current boyfriend. He had been shipped off to England for 3 months (which soon grew to almost 5). Initially, I was upset that he was gone, but I was coping well, and was being the strong of the two to keep him there. But eventually my time was enveloped in his need for reassurance, comfort and contact.. eventually, he was fine, and strong within himself to handle the distance and the new country. Unfortunately for me, I had gone backwards. It was me who needed the reassurance, comforting and contact. His return date was not set in stone. It became increasingly hard for me each day. When I had gone from being the helper to the helpee, I didn’t know how to deal. Unfortunately, I think this was a huge reason why things ended. At the time, I couldn’t understand, nor was I given any answers, but I moved on, as I had to, to stay sane.

This time around, Peter has been sent away for 2 months, possibly more, for work. And being in the job he has, he will often be away for work. It hasn’t phased me one bit. Perhaps the emotional battering I gave myself over the last relationship has hardened me.

In the last few months, I had formed many new friendships and spent a lot of time with many different people. But probably the most important was that I learnt to be comfortable being in my own company. I don’t feel I have to go out every night. I am quite happy to sit at home, even on a Friday night, huddled up in my blankets watching movies till all hours of the morning, or reading books.

Peter and I have email contact (of which I kind of giggle at and wonder how families coped when they had to resort to snail mail), he phones, but often I am not home to talk. He can’t set times he will call, so it’s a bit of a hit and miss / feast or famon situation. It doesn’t phase me that I miss his calls.

Perhaps that is showing growth in myself, I don’t sugar coat things incase it hurts the other. We tell it like it is. Infact, poor Peter basically got read the rules when he met me.. come to think of it, I think he did the same. Perhaps that shows we have maturity

On the subject of growth, I somehow have become the appointed Agony Aunt of a lot of my friends. I’m not certain why. Perhaps because I have been in many situations that they can relate to. Maybe they see me as old and wise (yeah right, I’m hardly wise :lol:). Maybe I have a huge sign over my head saying “Talk to me about it, I care”

In most cases, I really enjoy being there for them, and hopefully helping them a little through their pain or troubles. In other cases, I just want to bang their head against a brick wall (better yet, my own), because they constantly ask for the same advice over and over, and don’t do anything to help themselves. These people don’t seem to realise how much it drains me. I always feel down, or like I have a HUGE weight on my shoulders, like it’s my problem. If I could shut off from it, I would.
Sadly, and probably selfishly on my part, I tend to drift from those that want the world to solve their problems, and don’t start helping themselves. I mean, why ask advice if you aren’t going to do anything about it? It’s almost a slap in the face.

Back to the subject at hand. My site! 4 years ago, I thought I was mature, I was 26, had been through more than most people go throughin a life time, but I was still young and still had so much to learn.

I’m now 30, I don’t think I’m mature, I don’t attempt to be. My site is written as an online confessional, but one that is certainly shrouded in many other ideas and thoughts. Unless you really look, a lot of what is said is completely missed.
Perhaps I’ll have the guts one day to just be out with what I am trying to say. But I like my G rated site. I hope you guys do too (and I know there’s a lot of ya!)

Happy deciphering

Vive la iKirst!!!

This entry was posted on Monday, June 14th, 2004 at 2:08 pm and is filed under iAm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.