iKirst

Battling with cancer is no joyus trip in anyones books. We have all known at least one person that has. My sister has had her fair share of challenging the cancer demons, has reached recession a few times, only to have it return. She is in recession again. Fingers crossed it stays that way. She has two beautiful girls, a wonderful fiance`, and far too much of her life ahead of her to let it win. I’d rather the cancer took me over her.

My step father is also battling cancer. His battle isn’t as successful. For 4 years now his health was depreciated slowly. The last few months it’s gone down in leaps and bounds. Apart from my grand mother, and my dogs, I have been lucky to escape dealing with death. I’m not ready to now. He has had a full life, but he has my mum, and she needs him. I’d rather it took me over him, too.

A close friend has just been admitted to Auckland hospital with heart problems, and is being kept in for observation overnight. He has a wonderful girlfriend (a very dear friend of mine) and an SS Commodor. I’d rather it took me over him. My offerings to the world are minimal.

I read my stars today, and they told me this..

“You have the knowledge of a guru, the vision of an inventor and the warmth of a therapist. Others may lead, but you’re the one in control.”

I don’t know where the knowledge is hiding, I know little bits of things, but there is always someone that knows more. I do come up with a ton of wacky ideas and inventions, but someone always seems to be one step ahead of me. The last thing I kind of agree on. I think I missed my calling as a councellor. Not one with the answers, but one with a shoulder if it’s ever needed. I offer thoughts and ideas, but don’t expect anyone to adhere to them. I wouldn’t want them to. I’d want them to ultimately make a decision that is right for them. This, being the listener, is also my downfall. I don’t help to make myself look any better, I’m there in a hopes to take the pain from them that needs it taken. But then I feel it for them. I should really be concentrating on myself, but I haven’t had a chance to. Not completely. I consume myself with their hurt, and all I seem to do is end up with this incredible sadness, and I don’t know if it’s mine or theirs.

This sadness is hidden though. To most I am the joker, the keeper of the peace, and the eternal optimist. The facade works brilliantly, but it’s a lie. Really, I’m dying inside

I am in control? yeah, right

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 24th, 2003 at 12:08 pm and is filed under iRant.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.